Adventures of a Round Hound …or A Day in the Life of a Wiener Dog Who Looks Like a Basketball

Hi, my name is Peanut. I'm the pretty one on the left. Oh, that's Sassy on the right.

In the Fatherland, I am called a Dachshund, a ferocious fighter, tenacious hunter, killer of annoying vermin. Here in the US, they call me a Weiner Dog. They accuse me of being a voracious eater, exterminator of delicious treats. Hey, there are not many gophers in South Texas, so I get what I can. My hero is that cat, Garfield and my motto is “Let sleeping dogs lie”.

I’m a single gal and this is my story. Let me introduce you to the gallery of characters who surround me. First, there’s Sassy, the annoying, ball-crazy, 85 pound Golden Retriever that they call my little sister just because she’s six years younger than me. Then there the one they call my Big Sister, she’s tall with red hair, walks on her hind legs and speaks people talk. I don’t think she’s really my sister. I think she might be a people or, at least, a People Whisperer. Then there’s the people who live with me, the Tall Blond, who feeds me, gives me baths, takes me to the doctor, and makes sure I’m covered up when I’m in bed. She’s my favorite. And last, there’s the Old Fart. He lets me out at night, yells at me when I bark at the squirrels, that I know are out there, and calls me cruel names like Turd, Round Hound, and Lard Ass. Well, you get the picture, he’s a real piece of work, but he does scratch my ears and give me belly rubs. When he was younger, I’d let him chase me around the house. Now that he’s older, all he does is complain about me getting some rest. Can you believe that?

Well, I was thinking, maybe you’d like to know how busy and jam-packed my days are. So I thought, I’d give you a quick rundown. I get up around 8:00 am. I like to give my ears a good flop. The people think it sounds like an AK-47 firing a 30-round clip. Haw, I think I'll do it again. I'll head downstairs and have some breakfast. Maybe Tall Blonde will give me some of the good stuff from the can. Old Fart never gives me anything. He gets up before the sun even comes out. I have no idea where he goes, but he comes home every day at the same time. Sassy gets all excited, grabs a ball and hops around him and acts like he invented fetch. She walks seven or eight circles around him as soon as he comes through the door. Me, I don’t pay him much attention, he just calls me Round Hound and rubs my belly occasionally.

Okay, so when breakfast is finished, Tall Blond opens the bathroom door for me and I go take care of my morning constitutional. Sometimes when it’s raining, I have to zip out there, squirt and get back in before I get wet. I hate when it’s raining in the bathroom. I prefer when the sun is out and I can go sunbath in the corner. And Sassy, she has no bathroom manners. It’s like I can’t even do my business without her large cold nose poking me in sensitive places. And you’ve never seen lawn ornaments like the ones she leaves. You could derail a train with one of those.

Anyway, after the morning sunbathing, I like to catch a little beauty rest. Tall Blond will wake me up for lunch. If I’m lucky, she’ll give me some of the steak and gravy from the can instead of the crunchy crap in the bag. Sometimes, I think she might be trying to starve me. One time she took me to the vet, they put this thing over my nose and the next thing you know, I wake up and DAMN, I haven’t got but, maybe, 3 teeth left. You ever try to eat that crunchy hard crap with only three teeth? Oh well, the other ones hurt anyway. But it does make getting a good meal tricky. At least, with the steak-in-a-can, I don’t even need to chew. Gulp, swallow, gulp, swallow, that’s all there is to it.

So after lunch, I like to hit the big latrine, do my part to fertilize the grass, though I think Sassy is much better suited to the task. Then, I’ll catch some more rays and a catnap. If the sun isn’t out, oh well, I’ll get an early start on the old before-dinner nap. Dinner is my favorite meal. Tall Blonde most times gives me some of the good stuff that they eat. I especially like steak, chicken, pork roast, spaghetti, corned beef, eggs, sausage, corn, green beans, potatoes, asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, shrimp tails, but not the bacon. I have to wait for it, but if I lie there and stare long enough, she’ll give me something. Big Sister gets to eat with the people, sometimes she acts like she accidentally drops some food. I know she does it on purpose so I can have some of the good stuff. I really love Big Sister when she has food. Old Fart never gives me anything, except, occasionally; he’ll give me a slug of beer. I like beer, it helps me sleep.

So anyway, after dinner it’s time for a girl to get some beauty sleep. A quick trip to the big can outside the back door and I’m ready for bed. Good night.

ZZZZZ……8 o’clock, it’s time to get up. I like to give my ears a good flop. The people think it sounds like an AK-47 firing a 30-round clip. Haw, I think I'll do it again. I'll head downstairs and have some breakfast. Maybe Tall Blonde will give me some of the good stuff from the can. Old Fart never gives me anything…